Manners Are Still Significantly Important

There is little doubt that manners have changed over time.

I was 77 miles north of my little quaint mountain town the other day. I was in the land of entitlement where people seem to have found unknowing comfort with the display of rudeness. We all have met these individuals that were raised in an environment where they are given the belief that they deserve special treatment. Due to their social status, family background, or simply the way they were raised, they essentially feel entitled to certain privileges from birth.

I intersected with a lady and her daughter exiting through the double doors and the community art center. Just as I was raised, I held the door for them as they scurried though without any acknowledgment of my actions whatsoever. Not even the hint of an insincere smile. As I bit my lip to not bluntly say, “you’re welcome,” I thought to myself why isn’t this young mother teaching her daughter manners? She is contaminating another generation.

There is nothing condescending about it. For me it does not matter if it’s a woman, a man or a child, if I intersect with anyone during the passage through a door, I hold it open for the other person to pass through first. This is just what’s done. It is the way that I was raised.

In most cultures, holding the door for someone is considered a standard good manners. It’s a polite and considerate gesture. Showing basic courtesy and kindness by making a small effort to ease someone else's path. It’s contributing to positive social interaction, a simple way to make someone's day a little better. Kindness is truly one of the most important traits for humans to show.

Fast forward to a few days later. I was in the Crazy Cow Café, in Beaver Utah. It’s a funky roadside café designed with the motif of black and white Holstein cows. It’s also where you get a free breakfast for staying in the neighboring motel.

There was some acceptable ruckus going on with some children a couple of booths down. At first it seemed to be kids being kids, then without warning, it exploded into out-of-control mayhem. A little girl jumped out onto the floor displaying a crossed act of a punk rocker and a WWF wrestler. This little girl went into tantrum mode with kicking, stomping and screaming at the top of her voice. The entire time that she was displaying this unacceptable behavior, her parents did nothing. They seemed to be oblivious to the scene that was taking place and destroying the comfort of everyone in the café. They just sat there gorging themselves with biscuits and gravy while the little girl contorted herself into a rabid, she-wolf.

Again, biting my tongue and not telling them that I wish your spoiled heathen child could spend five minutes with my mom and dad, while I shook my head in disbelief. Again, they were contaminating another generation.

It is now believed in this senseless society that we are trapped in that punishment for bad behavior will harm the child's dignity. Misguided studies have shown punishment can lead to emotional difficulties, resentment, defiance, aggression, loss of self-respect and self-esteem and the forfeiture of a sense of positive identity.

It’s commonly understood that children learn by example and the most influential role models in a child’s life are their parents. It is important that parents act as a model for how they want their children to behave. It is also okay to use, though not obsessively, physical punishment on a child to stop them from misbehaving. Most of us have learned if it hurts, don’t do it.

There is little doubt that manners have changed over time. Traditional manners such as holding a door open, keeping your elbows off the table and letting elders go first, may seem outdated for many people. As lifestyles have plummeted and changed, again, the digital age has had a significant impact as we continue to negotiate what is acceptable and what isn’t.

I strongly believe manners are still significantly important. Having good manners and teaching children good manners goes far beyond politeness. It also shows respect and consideration of others, it teaches kindness, humbleness and courtesy.

Manners are essential in being a good person as they set the foundation for positive relationships with other people. Manners are simple things that we can do that make a huge difference to others by showing that we value other people.

The perceived decline in old fashioned manners is attributed to a faster-paced lifestyle and the anonymity offered by social media platforms. This stage allows people to express themselves rudely without consequence, normalizing disrespectful behavior and amplifying negativity online. Opportunities to practice social graces in a person are diminishing. We are seemingly losing our manners and it is adding to the decline of basic courtesy and respect for others in everyday life.

So many things seem to have changed over the years. We have either forgotten, or never learned the old-fashioned manners, like making eye contact and writing thank you notes by hand, anymore. Perhaps it is because of my early life training but I think these aspects of old-school etiquette should make a comeback.

We need to address our elders with Mr. or Mrs. and use their last name. This is done out of respect. This is no longer in fashion, and some adults are encouraging kids to call them by their first names as a way to express to children that they are equals.

We need to relearn when to say 'please' and 'thank you.' Courtesy requires thought and training. Today’s society encourages us to feel free to do as we wish. We have forgotten that sometimes it’s better to ask permission.

In this age of technology, when we communicate mainly by text and emails, we have misplaced handwriting a thank-you note and address an envelope. It's simpler to type a thank-you note to someone on your phone or computer.

The need for descriptive language and cursive writing is no longer considered mandatory in schools because kids are texting their messages and thanks. As a result, putting pen to paper and dropping a letter in the mailbox is a laborious exercise in today's world.

People seem rude today because of a combination of factors including poor social skills developed from excessive screen time, a general decline in face-to-face interactions and the lack of manners being taught and exercised. There is a lack of empathy, which is also being suggested that though empathy is generally considered a good thing, it can also have negative consequences.

Empathy is the psychological identification of vicarious emotions, thoughts and actions of others. Without knowing some limitations may be unhealthy and self-destructive. There are times when your mind must exert some control over your heart. All that is around you holds more beauty and understanding when you are calm and at peace within yourself.

Manners in some forms have remained part of society for generations as they offer us a kind of framework for understanding social expectations. Ultimately, good manners simply make life more enjoyable for us and those around us. Let us remember this the next time we meet at a door. -dbA

You can find more of the unfiltered insight and the Art of Dan Abernathy at www.contributechaos.com.